JULY 24, 1998

GAY PEOPLE's ChroniCLE

BOOKS

How much do we really have in common?

Opposite Sex

Gay Men on Lesbians, Lesbians on Gay Men

Edited by Sara Miles and Eric Rofes New York University Press

Reviewed by Susan Raffo

We are part of a movement that makes assumptions about connection from the very beginning. Community is assumed by what we call ourselves: the gay and lesbian community, the queer movement, and the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered community.

How much do we all actually have in common? How much do gay men and lesbians, in particular, have in common and how often do we truly talk to each other?

In their new anthology, Sara Miles and Eric Rofes explore these questions and others by offering up a selection of gay men writing about lesbian bodies, sex, and sex cultures; and of lesbians writing about

"I expected him to be a kind of cutting edge, avantgarde sex radical. It was a little disturbing the first time I went to his apartment and saw the Cris Williamson records.”

gay men's bodies, sex and sex cultures. Variously identified as lesbian, bi, gay, transgender and queer, the contributors both challenge and blur the line between assorted queer identities by examining thé interplay found in their individual lives and histories.

Explains Miles, “I can see lots of ways that different gay male cultures, and my intimate relationships with particular gay men, have influenced my verbal style, sense of humor, moral values, and sexuality over the years. I can also see how hard it is to chart the influences in anyone's life schematically, or know with precision where the boundaries of one culture end and another culture's begin."

Opposite Sex was first the idea of Rofes. "For several years I co-facilitated a workshop at the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force's Creating Change conference called, variously, 'Sex Cross-Talk' and 'The Ick Factor.' Dreamed up by Sue Hyde and Urvashi Vaid, it was a space for men and women to talk sex together and, most particularly, to talk about the other's sex."

When Rofes was approached by an editor at NYU Press curious to know about his future projects, he immediately thought of a book based on the workshops. Rofes linked up with Miles to co-edit the book, which meant jumping directly into the very areas between gay men and lesbians that the book intended to examine.

"Since Eric was well-known as a political activist, an aspiring theoryhead, and a big bad top who'd done most of the men in town," Miles remembers, “I expected him to be a kind of cutting edge, avantgarde sex radical who'd embody all the rebelliousness, daring and excess of gay male culture. It was a little disturbing the first time I went to his apartment and saw the Cris Williamson records."

In the introduction, the editors discuss the reluctance they encountered in getting queer writers who may have waxed at lyrical length about their personal sexualities to focus equal attention on the opposite gender's sexuality, sexual practices and sexual culture.

This reluctance varied in style depending on the sex of the individual. Rofes talks further about the responses he encountered:

"As I worked on this book, a lot of my male pals (fellow habitues of leather bars,

sex clubs, and bear scenes) marveled at my interest in lesbian sex and had a hard time making sense of this. Lesbians, they believe, play no role in their sexuality or their sex practices. My lesbian friends found the project intriguing and did not express similar shock at the project."

The reason for this, says Miles, is not surprising.

"I don't think it's complicated," she said. "It's the same reason that straight men pay less attention to figuring out how women think than straight women do to understand men. Men don't pay attention to women because they don't have to. It's the bright side of being a member of a subordinate group: You get smarter, because your survival de-

pends on underEric Rofes and Sara Miles standing what the

dominant group is up to."

It's not empty rhetoric to say we have a lot to learn from each other. Says Miles, "Individuals as well as cultures place different values on being in control or out of control in sex. One of the most interesting moments for me in the book was in the piece, "If Two Men are Having Lesbian Sex Together." One of the authors described the moment during the 1980s when a lesbian discourse about sex emerged that enthusiastically embraced risk, danger, and non-monogamy, just as, at the same moment, the gay male discourse on sex was filling with phrases like "risk reduction" and "safety" and urging men to avoid multiple partners."

Rofes described one example of this, "Some gay men seem envious of what they see as the powerful 'romance' that suffuses lesbian relations." This envy is particularly present within the current gay culture wars and sex panic to a point in which lesbian life and culture often becomes white-picketfenced out of its complexities.

Addressing this, Miles explains, “I also want to say it's a real pain in the ass to be a

Curbside

THE PLAN 81998 By-

ROBERT KIRBY

I TALKED KEVIN INTO TAKING NATHAN TO JONES BEACH WITH HIM TODAY.THIS GIVES ME A WHOLE AFTERNOON TO GET SOME WRITING DONE, AND IT'LL ALSO PROVE TO NATHAN THAT THE LEASH I WIELD IS A LONG ONE, AND I DON'T REQUIRE HIM AT MY SIDE EVERY SECOND.

OH, I'M SORRY-YOU'RE TRYING TO READ AND I JUST KEEP ON TALKING! I'LL SHUT UP ALREADY, PROMISE! MIND IF I PLAY THE RADIO JUST REAL QUIET...

WITH THE

♫ RUNNING DEVIL

symbol of home, family and pure white womanhood for these guys. You don't get huge amounts of social validation for being a lesbian, but at least you don't have to police men's desires, keep their base sexual instincts in check, or serve as a civilizing influence on them the way straight women (wives and mothers) are supposed to. You get a break from the job of domesticating men. So it's quite annoying to be draggedback into service, even rhetorically, in order to prop up the institution of marriage."

Many contemporary gay and lesbian myths and public dialogues-or lack thereof are contradicted through the pages of this book. The almost complete queer media silence focusing on a positive discussion of gay and lesbian sexual practices and cultures is challenged by the words of these contributors.

Much of the subject matter will stir up more than a few discussions, from Rofes' groundbreaking piece "The Ick Factor" and Lawrence Schimmel's paean to butch desire to Linnea Due's exploration of female-to-

THERE'S ALSO THE ADDED BENEFIT OF HOPEFULLY)IMPROVING THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THOSE TWO....I DON'T EXACTLY EXPECT THEM TO BECOME BOSOM BUDDIES IN ONE DAY, BUT MAYBE THE SUN AND THE WAVES WILL SOOTHE SOME OF THE TENSIONS BETWEEN THEM.

OH GOD, I'M

RUNNIN'♫♪

BURP

('scuse me)

male transgender sexuality and the roundtable discussion between Jewelle Gomez, Amber Hollibaugh and Gayle Rubin. What happens when we start examining the lives of the other and listen as ours is examined? We gain new perspective and fresh readings of cultural moments that push our experiences and understanding further.

Where will all of this reflection end up? The answer is up for grabs. Says Rofes, "For those few of us who seek to form true cogender of transgender communities, the sexual Berlin Wall serves as a deterrent. Yet, I was left wondering, after editing this book, if bringing down this wall won't result in an erosion of gay/lesbian identities that might transform us all into bisexuals or polysexuals."

What will gay and lesbian identity be in another twenty years? The answer depends as much on the kinds of discussion we are open to having now, as it does on our current and future legal protections.

Freelance writer Susan Raffo, originally from Ohio, now lives in Minneapolis.

BY ROBERT KIRBY ....YEAH, YOU'RE TOTALLY RIGHT ABOUT THIS, KEV, IT'S SO RELAXING LYING OUT HERE... 'SPECIALLY AFTER MY HOT GIG AT THE VENUS LOUNGE THE OTHER NIGHT. DID DREW TELL YOU ABOUT IT? ME AND THE BAND WERE SMOKIN'!!

ALONG WITH

ME.

MMN

MAYBE THIS DOVE-EXTENDING I NEVER SHOULD HAVE THE OLIVE-BRANCH THING IS AGREED TO LET YOU TAG MY NEW ROLE IN THIS HOUSEHOLD...IT WOULD BE A REAL FEATHER IN MY CAP TO SPARK BETTER RELATIONSHIPS AROUND HERE. NATHAN WOULD BE SO PROUD...

YEAH? WELL SEEING HOW WELL I GET ALONG WITH YUPPIE TIGHT ASSES, I'D HAVE TO SECOND THAT!